Monday, August 16, 2010

How do you move on after your husband tells you he doesnt love you?

Recently my husband got caught text cheating, cyber caming, and having many secret accounts on the computer and his phone. When I caught another woman texting him everything came to a head. He said we had stopped being friends and that he fell out of love with me three years ago!!!. And was seeking the affection of other woman in the 3 years period. I am not able to get over that, the trust and deceit for him cheating that long blows my mind. At this point I do want a divorce (I feel horribly betrayed in every way), but how do you move on and make the cleansest break possible?? This came on fairly quickly. I knew we had problems like every married couple but had no idea how bad it was for him and what he was doing. Any divorced peoples advice on how to move on with the least amount of pain. I've already been hurt so bad already, what can i do to ease the whole divorce process.

Would like to add we have been together for 15 years and have 3 small kids...How do you move on after your husband tells you he doesnt love you?
Nothing can ease the pain. I know it is said a lot, but it will ease in time. You will go through all of the emotions, hurt, anger, acceptance, etc. The best way that I deal with pain is try to keep from reflecting on it. As soon as the pain starts, I force myself to think or do other things. For me, the helplessness I feel because I can't change things bothers me the most.

Don't let him walk away without helping financially. Too many women have been hurt so bad that they just want to get the ';ending'; over with, then later realize how the guy got off with barely a scratch while they are suffering and struggling to support their families. Don't let him get into your head and play mind games with you. He will certainly try. Get the best lawyer and get what you and your children are rightfully entitled to.

As for the immediate future, take time to collect your thoughts. Don't try to rush anything. Rash decisions without thought will bite you in the end. Believe it or not, after all is said and done, you will be a stronger and better person. It may not seem like a good thing now, but be glad you caught him now and forced it all out in the open. There's no telling how long it would have continued. And remember this, if nothing else, you are not the one who did wrong. If there were problems, he should have been man enough to deal with it in a mature way and discussed them with you instead of looking for replacements. Sounds like he didn't want a divorce but wanted his cake and eat it too.How do you move on after your husband tells you he doesnt love you?
Pack his sh!t and tell him to go live with the one that makes him happy. File for divorce and file for child support. If you have no job, this would be the time to look for one. It sucks that your husband couldn't even be man enough to tell you he didn't want you.
Find the best attorney that you can, and take your husband for everything you can get. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it does help with closure.
Divorce him and make sure you have a good attorney to drain the jerk.
I would change my name from ';willow'; to widow...

I'm sorry...stuff like that just make me mad. Good luck, there is no answer.
Take it one day at a time and find a good lawyer. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I'm so very sorry. No one should have to go through this.

My sympathies to your children.
There's no easy answer.

All I can do is share with you that it's possible to have an amicable divorce if you don't play the blame game with your spouse. You know and I know what he did was trashy and wrong - but it does you no good to mentally dwell there, or question your own desirability. Unless you are questioning your own desirability on your OWN terms and judgment - and not comparing yourself to others or some ideal invented by others.

Part of not playing the blame game is resisting the urge to ';take him to the cleaners'; with regards to money and property settlement. Don't be a doormat and roll over, but also don't be vindictive. Get what's rightfully coming to you and your kids and let go - do not draw it out. DO NOT engage in any arguments, or finger-pointing, and do not allow him to draw you into it.

Stick to going forward. Stick to how to work out the parting arrangements and the care of your children. Healing will take time so don't rush dating till you are ready. If you have close, reliable single ladyfriends of good character who won't let you fall into too many pity-parties, hang tight with them. Most importantly - be kind to yourself, and honorable in your treatment of him (we both know you could do bad things but it will only hurt YOU and your kids. )

Prayers be with you. In several months you may feel like dating. In a year or so maybe another relationship if you meet somoene good for your kids and you. In 5 years this will mostly be behind you if you don't engage in the BS.
The first thing I would do is sit down, take a deep breath and THINK. You catch your husband playing around on a computer and suddenly, your marriage is over. (I know I am simplifying it. I am doing it deliberately) You have 15 years and three kids invested in this man, and today, you want a divorce. First of all, you aren't a teenager any more. Things have changed since you last dated. Men are no longer like streetcars (If you miss one, another will be by in a few minutes). At your age it is just as hard for a woman to find a decent man as it is for a man to find a decent woman. Plus, you will be asking another man to take on the responsibility of three children. But, at this moment, you aren't thinking of another man, I know that. Are you prepared to take care of yourself AND your three kids all by yourself? Do you want to? Is divorce the only answer? What about marriage counseling first?

If you have decided that divorce is the only answer then be prepared. Divorce hurts! Everyone gets hurt. You get hurt, your husband gets hurt and most importantly, your children get hurt. There is no easy way to divorce someone after 15 years.
Sweetie, marriage, I think is four things

Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust. And with the trust gone, the rest of it is in the toilet too, isn't it????????? No one has any of the other three with a cheater.

At the same time, you two have three children who never asked to be born, nor to have a father who is a jerk.

When most women find themselves in your place, they bail.... I call it the';EEEEEEEWWWWWWWww factor. And likely looking at the guy wants to make you vomit.

If you stay, you have the unenviable task of trying to find a reason to stay. And that would take tons of counseling.

I'll confess, sweetie, that only 20% of couples with betrayal in their marriage survive two years, and that is with both in counseling, and both hoping to save it.

There is no painless way to end any marriage... betrayal is as if someone ripped open your chest, and threw your heart at your feet.

With such a low rate of success, I'd ask your doc for some antidepressants, get on with your divorce, go back to school, continue to work, and in about two years, you ought to be fine....I know, two years. Some people take even longer.

But there are tons of great guys out there, and you may just meet one.... And that may for sure be better than trying to continue with him.
Hi Willow,

Ending any relationship is hard - ending a marriage based on what you thought was love, trust and caring with your partner has now turned into a I am no longer in love with you is a bitter pill to swallow.

I am going to give you some in site on what is happening and what he is really saying here.

1. He is busted and attempting to shift blame to you.

2. This has been happening longer then he is telling you.

3. He had deeper problems then just you - one is his lack of character and backbone as a man and the fortitude to work though his issues that he took a vow to when you married.

4. Also how bad it was for him --- poor poor boy trapped in a man's body blaming everyone but himself for his mistakes. ( don't buy this line of cr@p ).

Yes this is going to be hard but the first thing is to separate and surround yourself with your supportive friends and family - counseling for yourself - it's going to take time to heal and you will with time and support.

Also talk to a lawyer and see if you can come to an amicable agreement for the split.

Good Luck,

Really be the best mom you could be for your kids stay strong and focus on your kids.... My advice to ease your pain is to pray to god that he will ease your pain i cant imagen how hard it is but is more then your husband thats you in your kids.... im sure later he will see that he made the mistake to betray his wife and waste time on other woman instead of working it out with you.... Forgive him cuz hes your kids father in youll always have to face him when he comes around... dont let him see you down instead let him see you doing great without him....Im sure youll be move on by then..,. Good luck!!!!!
I,, too, found out about the affair my husband was involved in, by finding a love note text message to his new love. We had been married for 19 years. I also was way beyond furious and filed for divorce. At first I was extremely angry at him and hurt and embarrassed. Those feelings started to fade as the reality of the situation started to set in, after the shock had started to wear off. I went from feeling, like you do but progressed to feeling sorry for him! Of course, I fought for my rights through the divorce proceedings, but started not being angry at him. He committed adultery, not me. He betrayed our trust, not me. He spent community money on another woman, not me. He is the pathetic one, not me. He will suffer the consequences of his very poor choices, not me. I re-focused my anger at him, to determination to fight for my rights, in the divorce. Ultimately I just felt very sorry for him. That is how I overcame the ';shock and awe'; of such a terrible experience. Good luck!

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