To 2nd wives: if you had known then what you know now about your husband's ex & kids - would you do it over?

I'm the 2nd wife to a man who was married for 25 years. We met, fell in love, his grown daughters and ex lived 3 hours away, and I thought I'd met my one and only. We were married about two months ago and had plans to have a baby. He now says we are too fragile for him to have a reverse vasectomy, and he also says that I don't trust him (I have caught him in a dozen lies but I still want to believe everything he says). His ex calls %26amp; emails and his adult daughters don't accept me. I had no idea it would be this hard. He can't see my perspective, which is simply that I want to have some form of normal life with him (our privacy, a child) and some effort on his daughter's part to not be so rude to me. So...after realizing all of this, I wonder how many other 2nd wives (especially those who were not married before, and whose husbands have kids from their previous marriage), wished that they'd gotten out early or never married a man with an ex and kids in the first place? I am really at a cusp here because nothing seems to get better, only worse. Would you have gotten out early or never done it in the first place? Would you have waited for someone with no baggage? I need some help because he makes me feel like it's me who is being unreasonable, when all I want is to come first in his life (over his ex...I know his kids will come first). What should I do?To 2nd wives: if you had known then what you know now about your husband's ex %26amp; kids - would you do it over?
well for both of us its a second marriage and we both have kids from former marriages/ex's. there were A LOT of things i got into when i married him such as the children, his past, he got with me when i was going through a very nasty divorce and custody battle and my ex only bothers me when he wants to cancel for the kid constantly or being mean and his ex wife is mentally and physically incapable of being nice, civil, or a person and his other ex(g/f) is obsessive, she never wanted him around when he was with her for 4 years and now that he has been with me for over three years she calls constantly and drives past the house and all kinds of stuff but i see that he has no interest in that. i also get involved and tell her that they are over all they need to talk about is their daughter and nothing else. we have dealt with these things for years and still deal with them as his ex wife just abandoned his kids to a third party that has no custody of his children and left the state, i know what a great person. but all in all i have dealt with his lies but i always catch him in those cause i am sure you know of the women's intuition lol. they have stopped a long time ago. i am bright too and have a big heart as well as you and have always had love to give and no one to give it too until my son came along. but i wanted someone to share that mutual and physical love with so i understand your view and stand on that. i do not regret getting into what i am into now or marrying into a big ball of mess. the kids do not hate me and the ex's can all kiss my *** lol. actually the kids try to call me mom and laugh and talk to me more than their own mothers so...good for them and me i suppose. you do what you need to do for you. you are not unreasonable you are on do not hurt me anymore mode right now and girl i know how that is i have lived my life on it. i may be only going on 27 and my husband is almost 39 so yeah big difference but some people have to grow up quickly and some people grow up knowing what they want. you sound like a good woman, NOT stupid and you do deserve to be treated like you are one, respected and loved and i wish you the best with that.To 2nd wives: if you had known then what you know now about your husband's ex %26amp; kids - would you do it over?
';(I have caught him in a dozen lies but I still want to believe everything he says)';





This makes no sense. Are you a glutton for punishment or just not terribly bright? He is a liar, imagine what else he lies or hides.
Having children is expensive and time-consuming. It's a lot of work. And maybe he feels like he already put in his time and doesn't desire to go through it all again.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda run for the door when i had the first doubts... stupid me!
I am a second wife.. my husband has 2 kids with a VERY irrational woman (read my other questions for details)


I am not saying I am always happy with the situation, but the huge difference is that my husband is ';on my side';(for lack of better words), I come before his ex, the kids from his first marriage live with us, and are not always happy with me.. sometimes they are down right mean..





I also have kids from my 1st marriage, they were 12 and 11 when I got with my current husband, they hated him.. with a passion..


We worked with them.. as a team.. and even though they hated him they were not allowed to be disrespectful.





Seems the difference is that you feel your husband is still, on some level, having a relationship with his ex.. you are not being put first and your thoughts and feelings are being thrown off as unreasonable..


which is all VERY disrespectful..


I am not saying that he should tell his grown kids not to come around.. but he can put his foot down and say ';this is MY wife, I love her and I WILL NOT let you treat her this way';.. they are adults they can be civil humans I am sure.. there is just expectations for them to do so..





He is your husband and wanting/needing him to stand by you and defend you is not unreasonable..


explain this to him.. if he isnt there to defend you and stand up for you and most important make you a priority in his life.. then you might have to re-evaluate your life.. and marriage..
I still would have married my husband...warts and all.





How often and about what does the ex call him? If it is about the kids or grandkids, then let it go. If it is about other stuff, then initiate a series of loving conversations with him that helps him stop communicating as regularly with the ex. Loving conversations (complete with back rubs) is a lot more effective than nagging. All nagging gets you is a big fat power struggle and resistance to change. When you marry someone who has kids, the ex is part of the package deal...for the rest of your life. It helps the kids if all the grown-ups can get along....even when the kids are adults.





As for the kids...it takes at least 7 years for the step to be fully integrated in to the family. Yeah, it hurts when I answer the phone and instead of getting a ';hi Tricia, how are you'; I get ';can I talk to my dad.'; It took awhile, but I finally learned to stop taking it personally. It isn't meant by them to be an insult...well, sometimes it is. But change your attitude how you receive it or you'll be irritated.





One thing is that kids see the step as a barrier to dad. They have to go through you to talk to dad on the phone. They go to dinner with dad, and you're there. So they don't get alone time with dad. They feel llike their dad chose you over them.





The more you actively encourage and support his relationship with his kids and encourage them to have alone time together, the less of a threat you will be to the kids. I invite my adult step-kids over for dinner and I send them home with care packages...because that's what my mom did when I had my own place and would come home for dinner. So, our home feels like a comfort home to them. I encourage my husband to go to the driving range, movies, etc. with his kids. And I ignore argumentative comments as if they were never said.





With time, I have developed a great relationship with all of my step kids. I will never have a parent-child bond with them, but they are polite, include me in on conversations, confide in me, and laugh at my jokes. It is because I help my husband to be the best dad he can be to them. Because I recognize the children's importance, they are able to treat me with more respect.





It's not easy. The first few years are difficult, but it does get easier over time as everyone adjusts to new roles and tweaks their expectations.
women like you want a sex partner plus a father all rolled into one,


you think are to be treaed like some prize, well he already had his wife, his kids, the whole bit, what he wants is uncomplicated sex for now. he wants to sail through the rest of his life with no burden.


you know its you pushing the whole mariage thing,


2nd marriages have over a 60% rate of failing.
You don't know what marriage is all about. The flames of passion are what you understand. He understands the long term commitment of a family, regretfully that is to his previous wife and family. If he is insulting you it is probably with some cause that is not how a long term family guy deals with his long term commitment. You got hitched to a guy with baggage, enough baggage to stifle your desires, specifically your desire for children.





It would have been a good idea to thrash through these MAJOR life issues before marriage, not after you have married. The only possibility for fixing things, as any engineer knows, is to tear down the old structure, and put a new one up that has the right structural support.