Wednesday, August 18, 2010

How to respect your husband when he is a wimp?

I have been married for 5 years. For the last 2 years I'v felt myself slowly lose respect and even feel like I'm falling out of love with my husband. I could never figure out why. Then I read this great article about what it means when women love ';bad boys';. It totally made me understand the dynamics of what might be happenning in my marriage. Women love a man who is strong in the community, and who sticks up for himself and his family/wife so that they can feel protected. They love the ';bad boy'; who might be bad with other people but who loves and protects and cherishes them. Well my husband has the loves and protects and cherishes me part down really well, which is why I married him, but after marriage I slowly realized that he lets everyone else in the world walk all over him, including his friends, his family, his boss, his co-workers and even the next door neighbours teenage son. My husband cannot say no to anyone, and if someone in his family asks to borrow money, he doesn't want to lend it but he doesn't have the strength to say no (even though we can't afford it). He also can't say no if his boss asks him to work late, and so he's always the one that is called to come back to work if there's a problem, even on his day off. He brings his work home and works all through the night. He complains about it but doesn't have the ';balls'; to say ';sorry I can't today'; EVER. He's also a mama's boy and whatever his mother says, goes. If she wants a ride to church, he will drop everything and bring her, even if he's busy. He complains to me all the time about how everyone takes advantage of him but does nothing about it. I also don't feel he could protect me at all, I live in fear every day that I will come home and find that our life savings are gone because his mom or sister or brother needed money. I'm the strong one in the marriage and I guess it's really affecting my desire for him. I care about him but feel absolutely no lust towards him and his wussiness is really starting to irritate me.

What do I do or say? I really dont' want to hurt his feelings. And I DO want to stay married of course! I made a forever promise to him.How to respect your husband when he is a wimp?
Read the book in the source.

I don't think he can actually change the traits about himself that make him ';nice'; but he could work to change his resultant behavior and be more assertive.

He will probably need therapy.

After you read that book, approach him and ask him why he always says yes to what people ask of him and has ever said no. Be prepare for a lot of resistance talking about and if and when you do get to the bottom it could be something very traumatic that happened to someone else after he told them 'no'. (It's emotive not logical in nature, it doesn't matter if it wasn't his fault especially if he was a child when it happened.)How to respect your husband when he is a wimp?
talk to him . give him a chance to change.
And you only made all these observations after you had said ';I do';?
Leave him.
need time to mend a man
You sound like you need a guy to slap you around some. Take a trip to the women's battered house and see if they would trade with you. I guess you must be right that he is soft cuz he should have dumped ur ungrateful a$$ a long time ago. I know I would have.
Tina you are a wise woman.

Most women cannot admit today that they want a man who can provide security for them as well as grab them by the hair and really give them a good fking! Our society has trained women to disrespect that and to shun real men.

This is why you see teachers sleeping with little boys and the whole cougar phenomenon and the whole gay Jonas boys craze. We are breeding and growing weak azz pussified men in this country because it's politically correct to do so. No woman respects this kind of half-azzed man, women want security and to be protected, you are 100% correct.
it you women, you spend all your time telling us that you want us to be like the gay guys in your chick flicks when really you want someone to be an a - hole sometimes. Fortunately some of us know better.
I'm sorry but I have no respect for weak men never have and I don't think I ever will. I'm not saying that there aren't women who would, but personally I need a man to be a man.

However, if you truly love him then help him. Talk to him, tell him how you feel without hurting his ego even more, help him be more assertive and to say no!

good luck.
I have been married 20 years to a great woman with whom I have 3 kids. I think I have a good radar for good ';wives';. And I think you are one. This is what you could try. Practice teaching him to use a low conflict, assertive style that allows him to feel ';good'; about saying no.

For instance help him learn to say: ';I promised my family that I would ';be home by 8, do a chore today, etc'; and as much as I would like to drive you, I would have to break my commitment to them in order to give you a ride. And then he needs to learn to be quiet, and not say anything. And just listen. Because a decent human will back off at that point. And a manipulative narcissist will push him to make ';them'; a higher priority than ';you';.

By the way, this isn't just an issue of ';spine';. It is an issue of priorities. I DON'T let OTHER PEOPLE jump in front of my WIFE or CHILDREN when I have made commitments to my family. And in fact I would politely SHRED anyone who tried to get me to break a promise to my wife/kids. I do think it is fair to explain that it is a genuine turn on to be treated as someones highest priority and turn off to be so casually de-prioritized.

Twenty years into our marriage my wife and I truly are ';in love'; with each other. And yes, that means our level of intimacy is pretty close to what people have during their honeymoon - no exaggeration.

But part of that equation is this. Every month or so, I ask my wife:

';What is my purpose';: she replies ';to take care of me, to take care of us';

Then I ask ';And what else?';

she replies: ';To love me, to make me happy';

I smile and hold her.
You only have to do 1 thing.....print this out and show him how you feel. Apparently you asked on here because, I guess you didn't want to hurt his feelings or know how to bring it up to him. Let him see how upset you are as his wife about these issues and how as his wife you would be able to have a say in these decisions. Because if he can't say no to anyone then he can blame you (with your approval) and have an easier life without his feeling guilty..

He can say no to his boss because wife had plans at the same time, etc...
He sounds like a true and sincere guy. You on the other hand sound like a female dog. So, you want a 'bad boy' who may end up in jail and cheat on you? You need to come back to reality and stop dreaming.
What a crock! There is a hell of a lot more to being a man than intimidating a waitress or not loaning $50 to your third cousin. Sometimes a man is the one that stands down, that turns the other cheek, that does what is right because of his beliefs and not because of any appearances.

I am sorry to here that your husband works hard, is relied upon at work, looks out for his extended family, and maybe in this economy is smart enough not to piss his boss off.

You really need to realize what you have instead of focusing on the negative... and trust me, your man probably has a good idea of how you feel about him... I suspect you yourself are responsible in part for his ';wimpiness';... I am sure he spends more than a little of his time apologizing for you to his friends, family, coworkers, and neighbors.

Try supporting him instead of taking shots at him.


Oh we read the whole thing... what we are read more is what came through between the lines. The sad thing is that given the choice between a thoughtful, self-depricating, wimp and an @sshole... most women would rather have the @sshole.
Talk to him about how you feel. This is the man you married, took vows with, don't call him a wimp. Maybe he has went through this his whole life and doesn't know how to say no. Help him, love him and encourage him, don't belittle him. You can work together at improving his skills, maybe thats all he needs, a wife that will help him instead of call him names and think down of him for things he can't help. Hope things get better though, just try to be more understanding.
You know what...I think it might be healthy for you to tell him how you are feeling. It could be the reality check that he needs. Don't be rude or vicious about it...just tell him how you feel and what you think he should do about it. Whenever he is asked to do something that he doesn't want to do, re-enforce to him why he should say NO. With time...he won't need your help to say no.

Good Luck.
Dear, listen. I've never had this issue personally, but I've known people who are like this. Sometimes they just don't like the conflict they know will follow an answer of ';no';. This is simply a personality trait, it's not a flaw or a fault. The world takes all types of people to work properly, and everyone seems to have a place in it.

All you can do is work on him and help him along on the decisions that he does not have the ability to make, or make correctly. Keep in mind, he may not see your point of view, because he's not you.

One more thing, my dear. You'd better be sure he gets your approval before he dishes out your joint property or money, to anyone, for any reason. If you had a lot of money, this would not be an issue.
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