Monday, August 16, 2010

Why would you fall out of love with your spouse?

My husband wants to leave me. He says he doesn't love me, and isn't sure he ever did- that is to say he still loves me but not in the ';butterfly causing'; way he wants. We've been married for almost 5 years have an 8 year old son (previous relationship but we are now both legally and emotionally his parents.) We have had lots of stress in our lives, financial issues, recent family deaths, chronic illness that left me unable to work consistently, his untreated bipolar disorder and infertility with several failed attempts at infertility treatment. Our marriage isn't perfect- but I think we can work through it. But he just wants to be done... how can I convince him to give it a chance? How can you just stop loving your spouse?Why would you fall out of love with your spouse?
Some people just can not handle stress and the problems that life has to deal them. Your best bet would be to try and get your spouse to go the DR. and to try counseling. Good Luck.

Marriage is very hard work.Why would you fall out of love with your spouse?
You talked about all your problems but not about any solutions here... what did you do to solve these problems you both have faced in your marriage? Have you sought out couples counseling?

This is another obstacle you are now facing, see if he will go to counseling with you to work at what is the root of the problem here. If he is not willing to go to counseling and try then there is nothing you can do to convince someone to love you. Sorry, but that is not possible.

It's never ';here today, gone tomorrow';. He sounds frustrated with ALL the ';circumstantial STUFF'; you've both been dealing with. Perhaps he thinks himself to be inadequate for you, that you deserve more than he has to bring. If that is the case, he's acting out of his love for you, offering you Freedom.

It is a rare thing to keep that ';Butterflies'; feeling you mentioned. It is more common to devolve from ';in love';, to just ';loving'; in a caring way. Sad, but normal.
You can't just stop loving someone. I think it was probably never really in love. A lot of people are in love with the idea of being in love and thats how their relationships work. I was in a similar situation with my son's father. Now that I have met my husband I can understand the difference completely. Before I had love for my son's father. But I am IN love with my husband
sometimes you just can not convince someone to stay with you or keep trying. He has already given up. I would suggest you seek counseling and if he is willing to then go to counseling with him.

Unfortunatly this happened to a friend of mine...but he knows in his heart he did everything possible to try to keep things together.
I never got married to my boyfriend but im going through the exact same thing. I thought i loved him but after him putting me through so much crap i just didnt love him anymore.....I'm not really sure if I ever loved him :( Its sad to say but its true. I know how your husband is feeling and for me theres really nothing my boyfriend could say to change my mind. Sometimes people just grow apart :(
If you're willing to work at this, you need to tell him but if he's done - then you need to accept his decision and divorce.

To me, the situation sounds unbearable. I wouldn't tolerate it - if he wants out, let him go!
I feel that i was never totally in love with my husband. We have also been married 5 yrs, i met someone else and realized that have no love for him..I think he's seeing someone else..
Beleve me, there's another women and he knows it.
You don't just stop its gradual.
You have a lot of baggage
Stress can have this effect on you... You kinda stop caring about things or people you had cared about before... Could be a sign of depression, too - perhaps he needs to address it in a medical way. Every one of the items you listed (death in the family, financial problems, infertility, and, most importantly, an untreated mental illness) can cause the person to lose a grip on life. Seems to me that he really needs to address his mental health, first and foremost. You can't reason with a person whose brain is causing them to behave erratically.

This said, it also seems that he might be confused on what to expect out of marriage. I don't know how or why he would expect the ';butterfly-causing'; feeling to last forever; in a long-term relationship, it's not about the butterflies, it's about a deeper bond, an intimate friendship you forge with your partner. If he is looking for butterflies, he will never be able to endure a long-term relationship, he'll be jumping from one person to the next every 4-5 years. What do you know about his past history? Did he have serious relationships before you guys met? Sometimes past relationship pattern can help understand the present and the future. Perhaps he's not mature enough to be able to nurture a relationship past the infatuation stage - it takes wisdom and skill to do so. Or perhaps his mental illness is preventing him from being able to build relationships. Could be a combination of both. Sorry you have to go through this; but seriously - some people are just not cut out for long-term relationships; they get restless, and they want to move on after a while. My ex-husband was bipolar, so I know what this disorder is like. Mix in the kind of stress that you guys have been experiencing lately, and I can see how someone like him would just want to leave it all behind just so he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I'm sorry.
You don't just stop loving builds up over a time period. It reads like you two have been handling a lot of issues during your relationship. All those issues may have caused your husband more stress, confusion, and anger than you are even he is aware. It sounds like he needs counseling. I seriously doubt that he doesn't love you anymore, I believe all the issues have caused him to question his situation and obviously you and the relationship are the focal/starting point. I would suggest counseling and if he isn't willing to go then I would encourage you to go. You can learn a lot about yourself and your relationship, which can help you ';handle'; the situation.

Believe me I know what I am talking about. I am dealing with depression, alcoholism, and anger issues that caused my wife to take our kids and leave me. I know now how foolish, arrogant, and ignorant I've been in my marriage and I am working daily to change my life so that, God willing, my wife will give me another chance. Counseling does help. I pray you and your husband can work it out or at least you can find the peace you and your child deserve.
Let him go! Do not cry in front of him - pick your times, in the shower/ bath, on exercise runs, in the car - and do not beg him to stay!!! Do you really want someone to live there with you because you begged them to? Be thankful you have not wasted more of your life that you did with him.

You cant make someone love you - sounds like there is someone else in his life. She will pop up in the next few days once he leaves... just watch...

You are better off alone and being happy than with someone that makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells. Look forward to your new adventure!! Embrace the opportunity for change and BE HAPPY!
You can stop loving someone even your spouse its called growing apart becoming two separate people and not having any thing in common any more physically emotionally spiritually sexually. My advice would be to try marriage counseling and if that still doesn't change his mind which too me it sounds like his mind is pretty well set and he laid his cards on the table, then I would just file for divorce don't make it messy and keep the kid out of it. The child is not the reason for your problems or your husbands issues either so don't make the child suffer anymore than what he is going to!
I went thru something similar around about the 5 year mark. My husband said he just wanted out. He didn't love me like he used to and didn't want to be with me. I came to the conclusion that I was just going to take it and let him go. Turned out he had another girl. I was heartbroken. I was prepared to divorce him. I had always said I would if he cheated. But you know, we had two kids and I just couldn't see me giving up so soon. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I wasn't ready to give up either. The only thing that got us through it, was God, my preacher, my mom, and a whole lot of prayers. We just celebrated 10 years and we are happy as ever. Thank God it worked out. But without him committed to working it out, we would not have been able to. He had to be willing. Even though you may not want him to go, letting him go may be the only way to get him to see how much he will lose. When I told mine I would agree to a divorce, I think he woke up. I hope and pray it works out for you. If he is dead set on not making it work, then in the long run you may be better off. It is so much easier to walk away than to work it out. I hope he makes the right choice.

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