Monday, August 9, 2010

What do you do when you're no longer in love with your husband?

We've been married a little over 2 years, we have a one year old and a baby on the way - so needless to say I'm not leaving him.

I'm in desperate need of advice on either how to cope with this, or how to fall back in love with him. Thank you.What do you do when you're no longer in love with your husband?
Dear heart... I'm about to tell you one of the great untold secrets of a successful marriage...the one no one ever really admits to... that there are times in every marriage when it seems that the love has dried up and you have to keep going on faith and hope until you get it back again. When you look at the person you married and think...';Oh God, what did I get myself into??'; There! Everyone goes through times like that and, if they are lucky, they get through them and come out on the other side, happier than before. How do you do it?? First, faith, patience and hope. Second, get out the wedding pictures and memorabilia and remind yourself why it was that you married each other in the first place. Third, frame your marriage license and hang it where you will see it every day.Fourth, realize that you two have been through a great many changes in the past two-plus years..marriage, pregnancy, childbirth and now another child on the way and try to give yourselves some slack.Try a little harder to keep the romance alive in your relationship. You each owe it to the other to try to spend some time with just each other. Plan ';dates'; at home if going out is too costly. Even a little candlelight and some music with the pasta or pizza can make a big difference. A marriage doesn't mean 50/50 from each person, it means 100/100 and it does take work; it won't just happen.

Finally, take time every day to count your blessings and be thankful. You have a beautiful child, another on the way and a husband that loves you ( and I know that you really do love him, too) and remember...

';Life is a banquet and some poor fools are starving to death'; ( I borrowed that little philosophy from Auntie Mame and I now share it with you). Good luck!!What do you do when you're no longer in love with your husband?
You're probably exhausted and emotionally drained, you have a lot on your plate by the sounds of it. I remember feeling resentful of my hubby when I was in that situation. He got to go out to work and escape the house when I felt tied to it. We never spent any time together unless it was kid related (parks, zoos etc)

I got Granny to baby sit a couple of times a month so we could go out. We'd go to the beach and walk and talk. We'd go out to dinner and make sure it was really special, sometimes pretending we were on a date. Make sure you don't forget why you married him.

You also need to see your dr in case you have post-natal depression from your first baby.

I'm serious...this can work.

What you do to feel love towards your husband again is to be affectionate and act like you love him. After you do this for a little while, you will actually feel it.

I read this in a magazine once, years ago. After 13 years of marriage, it works. In every relationship, there's always a time when it just feels dull. Do this, and it changes it. Just act towards him the way that you did when you were in love with him, and soon you will not only be acting like you love him, you WILL love him. Unless, of course, he's a jerk.

I do wonder something about your question though. You don't fall out of love instantly, so I'm wondering why you decided to get pregnant again...wouldn't it make more sense to work on the relationship and get it ';right'; before bringing another child into an unhappy relationship?

Or did you only stop loving him after you got pregnant? If that is the case, wait at least a year after the baby is born to make a decision. When you're pregnant, your hormones are all over the place and you can't really trust you emotions.

The first year after the birth of a new baby is very hard on couples, so wait for that to pass too before making any decisions that you may regret later on when it's too late.

Ride it out and see what happens. Act loving towards him and you will begin to FEEL loving towards him.

And remember your vows. You said ';for better or for worse';. So you're in one of the ';worse'; parts. Stick it out and wait for the ';better'; times.
Think back to why you fell in love to begin with and cheerish all the times that were happy and focus on bringing back the romance. Start thinking of how your husband made you feel and how you made him feel and start everyday by thinking how wonderful your husband is and start doing little things each day that will bring the love back into your marriage. i'm sure you love your child, so look at that baby and see that both of you made that little 1 yr old and w/out him, you wouldn't have that 1 yr old. get a babysitter and make dinner at home w/ candles and wine and rekindale your feels. it sounds like you have it in your since you said your not leaving... so there's a great start !
You need to confront him about the problem, and bring something new into the relationship. Tell him the problem, offer some solution, ask him for some suggestion, or comments. Give him time to think about it, but not enough time to avoid the situation. Think about what sparked the relationship, and try to bring it back. You should consider buying a self-help book on this subject, and get your husband involved in it. If you can manage to do this, your relationship will change in the long run. Marriage counseling is only needed if you can't put what I've just said into practice. why? because it forces both of you to get involved in changing the relationship.
Well the logical thing to do is divorce him before you hurt him (before he ends up on YA asking us why his wife left him or cheated on him).

The respectable, wifely thing to do is remember why you married him and get marriage counseling, individually and as a couple.

For the life of me, I don't understand why people say ';for better or for worse'; if they don't know what it means or if they don't mean it.
Well as you know your probably more emotional because of the pregnancy so give it time. I just had a baby and he's 10 weeks old...I feel the same as you and it's gotten worse since I had the baby. My husband started to neglect me 7 yrs ago because I gained weight w/our third child and now, I'm going to the gym, I've got a trainer and I'm well on my way back on my feet but for you maybe it's just the pregnancy or is there a reason you feel this way?
Ask yourself if you loved him when you married him. I don't mean did you love him but did you love him enough to forgive his faults, deal with his changing, learn about each other every day, be the mother of his children ( no choice now), Those are the questions that you need to address now. You really shouldn't make any decision while you are pregnant. Your hormones do a lot of thinking for you when you are pregnant. Maybe once this one is born and you settle into the life you wanted with him it will be better. Do you remember the way you felt the first time he kissed you or you had sex? Try to hang on to that feeling. My husband and I have been married for 21 years and that's what I do when I get too frustrated with him or our life together. Try it. It might work for you too.
In the course of your marriage you will fall in and out of love so many times. After the kids start coming, the bills come due and life isn't fun anymore it's normal to lose sight of what made you want to get married to each other in the first place. Just ride it out if no one is cheating and one day you will realize you do love him.
try to look at him with the eye you used to look at him with , that loving and caring eye of yours . stop thinking ';what could have or what might have been if .'; focus on him and your love for each other , nurture and it will grow .

BUt also know that being a parent sometimes changes our view and amount of love for our husband cause you dont have much time for yourself anymore but remember this thou shall pass . there are times i adore my hubby but then also there are times i wouldnt mind him coming home when i am already sleeping . it comes and goes but it shouldnt never leave . good luck . you still love him , just life responsabilities are covering up a little for now. dont know how but i love my hubby more each day now that we are parents . i also have a 15 month old daughter and am 18 weeks prego with the second one so i know where you are coming from . good luck
I have same problem but i am mother of 3 . my solution is just wait it out and see what happens either love will come back or ill cheat (which hasnt happened dispite chance with lovely guy - i walked away) or hell get fed up and he'll leave or cheat - BUT my husband knows I dont love him so your option is whether you need to be honest with him and tell him

good luck its very lonely
So the initial passion has been replaced by a small child, bills, and real life.

It happens in every marriage, and is perfectly natural. You will have your highs and lows. Just hang in there and keep your chin up.

Someday you will look back at these days and recall how happy you were.
I would suggest that your pregnancy has a lot to do with your state of mind, at this present time. Having said that, I would tell your husband how you feel and that you really want to work together on getting back to how you used to be.
i guess the question ' to you is why .i fear you will not fall back in love with him . so your gonna have to go through the motions . perhaps things may in prove ' in other ways . who knows he may end up being the best dad in the world .
The main question here is, was it ever really love in the 1st place? And if it was, you need to find out where it went wrong.Only you can answer these questions.Feel free to e-mail me and explain more.
Try couples counseling and see if that helps...otherwise, personally I'd move on. I wouldn't waste my life or his together with someone I don't love (kids or no kids).

You need to do what is best for's everyone's own choice to settle or not.
well sweetie i don't even know what to say to you because the same is happening to me! the best thing to do 4 me is try to make things work 4 the sake of our kid and try to do anything possible to love our husbands back!
Think about what it is about him that makes him unlovable. What has he done or said that made you fall out of love? Is it possible you could discuss these things with him?
Grow up. If you are pregnant you can't trust that you are not having mood swings. Talk to your doctor first.. he/she will help you.
You try to work on the things, that made your feeling towards him change.
Need to know more like why your feelings have changed and what does your head in about him?

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