Monday, August 16, 2010

Have you ever purposely tried to fall out of love with your spouse?

Please don't judge me or give me a speech on marriage vows. I'm a huge advocate for marriage is forever. I also feel adultry is not ok...that if you have a problem, deal with it through counseling and communication.

My husband and I have two small kids. He has many emotional problems, too many to count. I fell in love with him because he has many good qualities and when he is not in one of his depressive cycles he is good to me. He's a good father and good provider.

The problem is he's emotionally abusive and controlling when he's depressed. His depression usually comes and goes every few months, but the past year he's been on a downward spiral. He has not recovered. He is hypercritical of everything I do and punishes me for wrongs by withholding affection. He has some sexual anger as well. He is very abusive to me, but not the kids. He is also an expert at controlling me right when the kids walk out of the room, hiding things, etc., so that the kids don't see it. He is going to counseling for all of it and admits he does it. But it hasn't changed anything, he just says this is the way he is.

I have always been steadfast and determined to make this marriage work. Because of his control and anger issues, I know if we were to divorce it would be a nightmare when it comes to co-parenting. Besides, our two kids adore him and he's a great father.

Therefore I'm resolved to stay in the marriage. I just don't want to be in love with him any more. I don't want to come home hoping/expecting a loving partner and getting his cold manipulation. I want to be able to not love him and just think of him as another person in the house.

I have developed this sudden ';idea'; that if I could just fall in love with someone else and see them on the side, then my kids could have their father and not be from a broken home. Clearly I am not going to be able to find someone else, as that isn't how love works. I'm just wondering if anyone else has purposely tried to detach and fall out of love with their spouse?

I've listed all the negative faults of my husband because they relate to the question. But he can be a good guy when he's not depressed. He says he wants to change but he's not participating in the therapy.Have you ever purposely tried to fall out of love with your spouse?
I don't know how to make yourself fall out of love. You still love him so do what you can to salvage what you have. If you cant get him into counseling get yourself into counseling. If you are not careful his ridicule and emotional abuse will eventually lead to you having a much lower opinion of yourself. Falling in love with another man is not going to help; it will only complicate matters.

He is a good guy when not depressed so concentrate on getting him to see a dr. and get on some anti depressants; they work wonders and there is not stigma attached. You may benefit yourself from some.

If he is truly abusive, you do not need to fall out of love to leave him. Maybe taking the kids and moving out and moving on will force him to recognize the problem and seek help. Sometimes it takes something as drastic as a separation to realize your wife and family are worth fighting for and getting well for.

I feel for you. Good luck.Have you ever purposely tried to fall out of love with your spouse?
sorry don't know how to answer.
Insist on therapy as he will never get better and the kids are watching every stupid thing he does. He is a role model and not a very good one.

Don't cheat as you will give him the upper hand in any divorce proceedings if you get caught. Tell him to get in therapy or the relationship is over.
Being a good father and a part time or less.. good partner is not just cause to stay in a marriage. Life is way too short to just settle with this unhappiness. I think you should either give all or none in a relationship and it seems that you have given your all but you dont get any type of return. I, like you have been in a lost marriage due to his mental issues and I chose to stay for the kids sake. The kids are not stupid and they know if Mom is happy or not. I am still here in the loveless marriage and kids are grown and gone. Do yourself a favor, get out and live your life for you for a change and dont do as I did.. wait until you are too old to change. I stayed for all the stupid reasons and now will always wonder .. was there happiness out there for me? I will never know. But you still have a chance for happiness. Good luck.
Sounds like you have the problems not him. Take the kids to grandma's and tell him you want a divorce befor he does some really bad to you. I have a feeling that you have already cheated on him. Your just looking for some validation for doing so. If he finds out he probally going to do something very bad, then the kids wont have either of you.
There are many problems in married life but we have to compromise for the sake of our kids. The kids who come from such a marriage develop hatred for relationships.

Help you hubby he needs your support and care.

Love is essential in a marriage, if there is love everything looks easy, you tend to forgive soon and accept the shortcomings.

Think of his good qualities he is a good father and a good provider. I think you need someone who can motivate you positively.

Love someone else once you take divorce not before that it will land you in problem if your hubby and kids find it.

Have small vacation, give him time love and affection. Make your nights memorable make him happy.
Absolutely it is possible, why not, if he is hurting you and being abusive. What you are experiencing sounds like a cycle of domestic abuse. I don't understand how cheating enters the picture though. If that is the case then you should seek a divorce, and then go persue it. I don't think there is ever an excuse for cheating. What does falling out of love with him have to do with your s*x life? I fell out of love with my husband a long time ago and it never affected our s*x life. We all have our needs, isn't that one of the benefits of being married in the first place? You shouldn't have to go outside the marriage. You both took vows, and being faithful is one of them.
i am sorry you are having such a hard he on medication? i know counseling helps but medicine helps the brain waves...i know from experience.

i think you too are can you not be..

i don't know how you can make yourself fall out of love... i do know that you are having a lot of these ';love '; feelings because part of you is trying avoid the pain..

an affair will only make you feel guilty.....and i don't think you want to add more unhappiness to your mind...not to mention if he has this power over you he can be violent if he finds out...

see if he can start some meds with him about going to the doctors..get a medical workup.

if he is going to counseling he seems to be willing to try ..

good luck

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